Suited for the Job - One Stay-at-Home Dad is a Perfect Match

By Sherri Edwards, Dubuque County Empowerment

Count the stay-at-home parents on your block and you might notice an increase lately. Nationally, the choice to keep one parent at home to care for young children is on the rise. Couples make this decision for a variety of reasons, and it is not always an easy one. They weigh loss of income and career viability against the singular care parents want to provide for their children.

Count in your neighborhood again and then take note - some of these at-home parents just might be dads. Once considered unusual, stay-at-home fathering is entering the mainstream as father's roles change and couples define new lifestyles that work best for their families. There are dads in many American cities who are full-time caregivers, shuttling children to playgroups and cleaning the house.

Why would a Dubuque-area dad choose to be at home with children while his wife works? Even if you can't ask such a father near where you live, meet Christopher Bode. Christopher and his wife, Joy, made this choice and successfully live the sacrifices and organizational demands - leading to, for them, remarkable happiness. I recently visited with Christopher to discuss his role as a stay-at-home dad.

Christopher, how long have you been a stay-at-home parent and how old are your children?

CB: I have been a stay-at-home dad for three years now. My two daughters are 3-1/2 and 1-1/2 years old.

Unless finances are a factor, women frequently feel they have a choice on whether to work or stay home after having children. Traditionally, men don't. How did you and your wife make the decision that you would be the stay-at-home parent?

CB: There were two factors that played into my decision. The first was that my wife and I decided it would be best for our children if one of us could stay at home full-time. The second factor was financial. I was a second-year teacher who commuted to a school 35 miles away. We did the math and realized that the cost of day-care for two or more children would probably negate any net income I could add to the household.

Was it a difficult choice?

CB: Actually, it was a very easy choice. I remember us getting into the car after touring a very good day-care facility and my wife breaking down in tears. She had been on maternity leave for nearly six months and remarked how she just couldn’t comprehend other people "raising" our daughter. I replied immediately and without hesitation, "well, then I guess I’ll stay home."

Are there any special qualities that make you a good candidate for at-home parenting?

CB: I’d like to think so. I have a degree in elementary teaching that gave me a background in early childhood education and development. Still, I have learned much more from being a stay-at-home dad than anything I learned in the classroom.

Is this a temporary arrangement or will you consider staying home past the point when your children are very young?

CB: We’ve already agreed that once our youngest child enters kindergarten that I will return to teaching.

Earlier in your life, did you ever contemplate becoming a stay-at-home parent?

CB: Believe it or not, it never occurred to me until that very moment I told my wife in the car.

Since you have been parenting at home for a few years, what does your wife, Joy, think about the arrangement?

CB: She says that it is one of the best decisions we ever made and doesn't regret it at all. Every time she reads or hears about children who are victimized by people, she thanks God that I am able to be home with our daughters.

Does it bother her not to be part of the daily moments?

CB: I know she wishes she could be the one at home, but her income was better for providing for our family. She also admits, however, since I am the one who cooks and doesn't mind doing the household chores that I am better suited for the role along with my educational training.

How do you take steps to keep her involved?

CB: Both of our daughters have a calendar in their rooms that we write down their daily activities and milestones. I also call my wife every day to tell her what’s going on. Sometimes we even surprise her at work and go out for picnic lunches as a family. And pictures. Lots of pictures. We really try to do something as a family every weekend, so she can be as involved as possible.

Do you and your wife split other family tasks in a non-traditional way?

CB: She jokes that she married me for my cooking, so that's one. And since I make the menu, that means I do the grocery shopping to get exactly what ingredients I need. I do all of the household chores since I view that as part of my job. She takes care of the bills, which is enough since she already puts in forty hours a week.

Do you get concerned about your long-term career development after being out of the workforce?

CB: Not really. I plan on taking classes to renew my teaching license. Additionally, I stay active in regard to education by tutoring students in the summer and by serving on the Dubuque County Empowerment Board, an organization devoted to the health and education of children ages 0-5.

Are stay-at-home dads common in the Dubuque area?

CB: They may be more common than you think. I know of at least three others; two live on the same block as I!

Do you get some odd comments? Or do you think communities have evolved to accept stay-at-home fathering as a family lifestyle choice?

CB: I can't recall any odd comments at all. In fact, I almost always get the same response, which is "good for you!" I think that shows how progressive and family-oriented Dubuque is as a community.

Do you think father's roles are changing in general today?

CB: I think my wife and I are living proof that roles of both women and men are changing in our society. Changing for the better.

Are there any community supports designed to make stay-at-home fathering easier? Should there be more resources, and what would help?

CB: There aren't any that I am aware of specifically for stay-at-home dads. I'm not sure what kind of resources would be helpful since I can't complain about my transition. I would rather see money go to resources for single parents and parents of at-risk children.

Being a stay-at-home parent must have frequent challenges and special joys. What are the hardest parts? What do you like most about it?

CB: The hardest part is when the children are not feeling well as that can make for some long days. I've gotten the household chores and duties into a scheduled routine, so they are no longer a challenge. The part I like most is the smiles and laughter I get from watching my daughters growing every day. I think we all need to take time from our busy lives to watch and listen to the simple pleasures children discover from learning to skip or coloring with crayons (sometimes on places other than paper) to singing silly made-up songs just for the fun of it. That is the best cure for stress.

As much as we love our children, being home with them can have some monotony. How do you mange to stay mentally active and socially connected?

CB: In addition to tutoring and being on the Dubuque County Empowerment Board, I also serve on my church's education committee, have formed a neighborhood association with an annual block party, organize activities for my daughters' playgroup, and organize a fantasy football league for recreation. During the summer, you can find me sitting on my front porch reading in the evening hours, even sometimes with a lamp after the sun has gone down!

What advice would you give to your children about making this choice when they become parents?

CB: I still think it is the best choice. It is just my opinion, and I know some won't agree with it, but why would you have children so that other people could raise them with values that may be different from your own? If one of the parents is able to stay home, I think they should since it will only help make their bond with their children stronger.

Reach Sherri Edwards at sedward24@aol.com.