The Battle of the Bully

By Dawn Justman, Parent/Provider Services Coordinator, Child Care Resource and Referral

Suddenly your child, the one that loves school, is giving you grief each morning. Every day it is getting worse to the point that your child is complaining of aches and asking to stay home. It is possible that your child’s lack of enthusiasm has nothing to do with illness and more to do with being worried sick over a playground bully.

Sadly, bullying is widespread. According to the National Association of School Psychologists, one in seven children has been a bully or a victim. Children that are bullied tend to have low self-esteem and may have difficulty forming relationships. This could lead to depression and substance abuse as adults. Bullies, if allowed to continue, have a tough time developing relationships and a 30 % higher chance of criminal activity. So if you suspect your child is being bullied or is a bully, what do you do?

First off, talk to your child. Ask questions about their school day, playground experiences, etc. At first children may be reluctant to talk, so continue to ask open-ended questions and listen to the answers. Keep your emotions in check, and don’t become angry as this may unintentionally reinforce some children’s belief that they are to blame. Discourage your child from bullying back… responding with violence allows the bully to justify their actions. Help your child be assertive by responding with words such as, “I want you to stop it now.” Then teach them to walk away, ignoring further taunting. Help your child develop protective strategies like a playground buddy system. Encourage them to develop more friendships and talk to school counselors.

If your child is a bully, they may not be willing to confess. Ask indirect questions such as, “How do you feel about yourself? Do you get along with other kids at school? Who are your friends at school?” Talk with your child’s teacher. If you find that your child is bullying, emphasize this is unacceptable. Try not to get angry as you will want to continue this discussion about why your child is bullying. Monitor your child’s use of violent video games, television, and movies. Teach your child to embrace people’s differences. Set clear limits and consequences to bullying. With your child, develop goals to stop the bullying behaviors and techniques to use when tempted to bully another. Encourage your child to talk with teachers, school counselors, and you. As a team, you can help develop better social skills. Most importantly, make sure you model the behavior you want your child to adapt. Watch so you don’t name call the driver that cut you off as actions speak louder than words.

Whether your child is the victim or bully, look to your community for help. School personnel, religious counselors, and mental health agencies can provide support for you and your child as you work through this. You are not alone in your battle against bullying.