How to Speak Your Child’s Love Language

By Jody Lockwood

Who knew? Two sons raised in the same family, raised by the same two parents, raised by the exact same standards, but if you ask them, only one son ever felt loved. The parents were mystified because they deeply loved both their sons. So what gives?

Authors Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell, M.D., describe this phenomenon in their book entitled, The Five Love Languages of Children. In fact, they describe it as a common problem:

“The sad truth is that few children feel unconditionally loved and cared for… The main reason is that few parents know how to transfer their heartfelt love to the hearts of their children. Some assume that because they love their children, the children automatically know this. Other parents think that simply telling a child, ‘I love you’ will sufficiently transmit that love. Unfortunately, this is not true.” (Chapman and Campbell, 1998)

Each of us gives and receives love in different ways. Through their research, Chapman and Campbell have identified five main methods parents use to communicate love to their children. They call these five methods “love languages.” They are: 1) Words of Affirmation, 2) Quality Time, 3) Receiving Gifts, 4)Acts of Service, and 5) Physical Touch.

The authors explain each of us needs all five love languages “spoken” to us when we are young. However, as we grow older, we tend to develop a primary love language. Out of the love languages, there is one that each of us likes best. When someone shows love to us using that language, then we are most likely to receive the love and genuinely feel loved. But here’s the rub. We tend to love others using our favorite love languages, not necessarily their’s. For example, if your primary love language is words of affirmation and your child’s is physical touch, you may be encouraging him with words very well, but he really may be longing for you to hug or wrestle with him.

The key is to take a closer look at how we give love to our children and discover how they best receive it. Start by simply asking questions, “Would you like me to help you with your homework, or just scratch your back?” “Do you want to get that small lego set at the store, or would you rather play catch in the yard?” Pay attention to what children ask of you; they’re usually asking for something in their primary love language. “Mom, are you proud of me?” (words of affirmation); “Dad, will you take me to the park?” (quality time), “Uncle Scott, can you fix my bike?” (acts of service); and so on.

All of the love languages are good. Not all will come naturally to us as parents. But with a little effort and by utilizing the five different love languages, we’re likely to discover how to best communicate our love to each of our kids and for them to truly receive it.